


jigsaw puzzle; pieces that fit together

by zombieinyourhead (vinndetta)



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Canon, Beach Divorce Fix-It, Canon Compliant, Child Neglect, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, Mostly Gen, Past Child Abuse, X-Men: First Class Fix It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 16:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19727293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/zombieinyourhead
Summary: Erik doesn't hide the fact that he sees Charles as a rich, privileged kid who hasn't seen horrors like he has.What Erik finds out during his stay at the Xavier Mansion is very contradictory to his own beliefs about the telepath.





	jigsaw puzzle; pieces that fit together

**Author's Note:**

> my datefriend read it and loved it so i guess i'm sharing this with the world now. hello all i wrote this to cope because. idk how else to cope rlly. hope you enjoy. 
> 
> i feel like i wanted to go further with this idea but i just. i think it's good this way. maybe i'll come back to edit something or to... add more, if i so desire. who knows. not i.
> 
> btw i put this w a mature rating and a warning for rape/underage since like... yeah. but if you think the rating should change or something or maybe the warnings aren't quite accurate lmk! i just wanted to be safe that's all lol
> 
> TW (Trigger Warnings):  
> -use of the word f****t (the f slur) in a derogatory way  
> -child abuse (specifically, implied r*pe and child neglect)

"Honestly, Charles, I don't know how you survived. Living in such hardship." 

Erik's sarcasm seems to slap Charles in the face.

Charles bites his tongue. Erik Lehnsherr has no idea what he's talking about. Charles knows he's suffered horrors unimaginable - a genocide of which there was no excuse for, a terrible act with disgusting intentions. But if Erik thinks Charles's life here, in this mansion, was a walk in the park, then he couldn't be more wrong.

Thankfully, Raven speaks up before Charles can even think about a response.

"Well, it was a hardship softened by _me_."

Charles lets out a breath in a mixture of relief and frustration. Erik's ignorant to the truth behind this place (neither does Raven, but that's not important), so Charles bites his tongue before he can ask what authority he has to claim that Charles led a life of beautiful luxury.

Raven's words aren't wrong anyway, but Charles suddenly wonders what would have happened if he had just simply told her what happened behind closed doors and silent walls.

"Come on," Raven gestures towards the ragtag group, which murmurs quietly among themselves while following her.

Charles lags behind the group. All the while, he thinks of what he could say to Erik, how he could even begin to explain that life here wasn't perfect beyond comparison.

-

The place is dusty beyond imagination, and the first day is simply filled with cleaning the place and claiming rooms. Luckily, the mansion is huge, and there's many rooms to choose from. Some playful ones run around, treating it like an exploration. There's far too many rooms, and Charles lets them take a break to relax.

Erik chose a room with the most beautiful of views. It's a modest room compared to others, but he seems to subconsciously know how special it is.

No one else realizes besides Raven, who shoots Charles a look when Erik proclaims to the siblings that he's decided on a room.

In response, he walks away down the hallway, leaving Erik and Raven standing there, watching him leave.

-

Charles ends up choosing a old guest room that no one ever used. Although he doesn't think he did it on purpose, his room is closest to Erik's.

-

Raven doesn't tell Erik anything after Charles left apparently, because Erik doesn't seem to show any signs of knowing. Before, he had sensed the slightest pull of curiosity, but perhaps he had let it slip his mind.

A part of him is glad that he's the telepath and not Erik.

-

Sean offhandedly comments something about Charles's mansion being super cool.

Charles raises an eyebrow, and calmly explains, again, that it's not _his_ , but it now belongs to _all_ of them.

Raven shoots Charles a glance.

Charles pretends not to notice.

-

Charles spends the next couple of days training these kids to use their powers. He won't lie and say it was easy, but he's certainly had a fun time of it.

"Charles."

"Raven," Charles turns around, surprised. "Didn't expect you."

"Heard some rustling."

"Yeah, just me."

"Looking for a snack?"

Charles smiles.

"You know me best, dearest sister."

"Everyone's really getting along. And your help has made them even stronger."

Charles laughs a bit.

"So flattering." He looks over, amused, as he takes out a box of crackers from the cabinet. Closing the door, he says, "Want some?"

"I'm good."

Charles shrugs and opens the box. "Something on your mind? I can tell from body language alone you need to say something."

Raven lets out a breath in amusement. "Just thinking."

A moment of silence passes by.

It's broken by the sound of Charles biting down on a cracker.

"You know how we used to talk about a safe haven, perhaps a school, for mutants?"

"Yes?"

"We should do it. Here."

"Here?" Charles tilts his head.

"Yeah! You're doing so well. I know you're a professor of biology and genetics, but those human universities don't need you."

Charles breathes in deeply.

"But _they_ do." Raven says softly. 

"Think about it. You could save them. You know so many of us have lived in fear and ignorance. And you can save them. People like _us_. People like... _you_."

Charles looks into Raven's eyes. He knows the last part isn't just referring to being a mutant.

"This has been your first class." Raven gestures around her. "Think of how many more mutants can benefit from this."

Raven shrugs.

"Plus, maybe we could... cover up some memories and replace them with new ones."

Charles raises an eyebrow.

-

"Cuba, Russia, America. Makes no difference. Shaw's declared war on mankind. On all of us. He has to be stopped."

Charles isn't sure how they got to this point during a game of chess, but he can feel the annoyance brewing inside of Erik. Erik commented on the dusty chess set, to which Charles's eyes brightened. He's always been a fan of chess, and he hasn't been able to play since this huge mess involving mutants. But now, Charles can feel the tension stirring in the air.

"I'm not gonna stop Shaw."

Charles glances up, brows furrowed.

"I'm gonna _kill_ him. Do you have it in you to allow that?"

He knows that Erik is referring to his own powers. Charles knows that it is within his power to stop Erik, to erase his mind, to ensure that Erik can't exact his revenge. And he knows Erik is still wary of his powers. He swore long ago that he wouldn't enter Erik's mind.

But Charles doesn't need to be a telepath to hear the fear and distrust behind those biting words.

Instead, he draws his attention back to the chess game, trying to distract himself with possible strategies.

"You've known all along why I was here, Charles. But things have changed. What started as a covert mission, soon, mankind will know that mutants exist. Shaw, us, they won't differentiate."

Charles glances back up at Erik.

"They'll fear us. And that fear will turn to hatred."

Charles, still frowning, stares at Erik. "Not if we stop a war. Not if we can prevent Shaw. Not if we risk our lives doing so."

"Will they do the same for us?" Erik retorts back.

"We have it in us to be the better men."

"We already are! We're the next stage of human evolution. You said it yourself?"

"No! _No!_ " Charles grits his teeth, choosing instead to take a sip of his drink. Erik is taking his words out of context, and Charles knows by the sneer on Erik's face that he's right. He looks back to the chess board. A simple game of chess - filled with strategy to keep yourself from losing your king. And yet, to get to that goal, you must sacrifice some to the other side. It's inevitable. They've already lost two allies.

They're all pawns, moving towards the same direction.

"Are you really so naive, as to think that they won't battle their own extinction?"

All will be moving towards Cuba - the humans, their ragtag group of mutants, and Shaw's group. Undoubtedly fearing the unknown, he knows that humans might not be able to make the distinction. He knows that Erik chooses to believe that they won't even make an effort to.

"Or is it arrogance?"

Charles blinks.

"I'm sorry?"

"After, they're gonna turn on us. But you're blind to it, because you believe they're all like Moira."

"And you believe they're all like Shaw." Charles furrows his eyebrows in frustration. He knows he's a pacifist. He won't deny that. He's also an idealist, and he knows that there are bad people out there who wouldn't be nice whatsoever. People are afraid of what is different, though, but Charles knows that with enough communication and enough understanding between the two, humans and mutants could get along. 

Violence is Erik's first resort, and it's also Charles's last. 

"Listen to me... very carefully, my friend." Charles says the next six words carefully. "Killing Shaw will not bring you peace."

"Peace was never an option."

And Erik walks away.

Charles watches him leave.

-

Charles knows that if he doesn't convince him, Erik will carry out his revenge.

However, Charles also knows that killing for revenge never brings peace. He knows from personal experience.

-

Charles can feel Erik's presence before he says anything.

Erik's always been a one-of-a-kind. Charles is drawn to him, even when they met. He jumped into the water because he wasn't sure who he was but he knew he was special. Inexperienced with telepaths, Erik's mind was basically screaming out at him. He felt the rage, the anger, the fear -- all of it connecting to the escaping submarine. He could almost taste the burning passion. He had a taste, and maybe it's a bit selfish, but he wanted more. He didn't want to lose someone like him so quickly.

They debate well, too. Sure, it feels like they should be rivals or something, but they're friends. He's met his own fair share of intelligent people, but he's never felt so connected to someone. He feels like his intellect matches his own, like they're on the same level, same wavelength.

"Charles?"

"Erik."

"What's wrong? I'm no telepath but I can feel something has been off with you since we've been here."

Charles breathes in deeply. He scoots over, and pats the spot next to him.

Erik sits.

They both watch the sun set while sitting on one of the outside benches. The view is nice, Charles supposes. He never really had time to take it in for the last few years he lived here, and he hasn't been back in so long.

Charles knows he should start saying something, but he isn't sure where to even start.

"My friend, I'm sorry for worrying you. It's just been... hard. Being back here."

Erik doesn't say anything.

"There's some bad memories behind these walls. Of course, not all was bad. Raven was there. That was enough."

Erik's still quiet, not willing to say anything. Charles doesn't want to pry. 

So he doesn't.

Instead, they sit in silence.

-

"Is this your mother?"

Charles glances up to see Hank pointing at the picture on the wall.

It's an old picture that he kept because he felt that it was before everything went wrong. Him, his mother, and his father. 

"Yep." 

"She's pretty."

Charles slips away from the conversation without anyone noticing.

Or at least he thought.

-

"Charles."

"Erik?"

Charles raises his eyebrow. He certainly didn't expect Erik to follow him. 

"A game of chess, perhaps?" Erik gestures towards the chess board, unused since their last game.

"Perhaps." Charles grins.

-

"You said memories live here. Some... unpleasant ones."

Charles closes his eyes.

He should have known the conversation should have come to this. He didn't talk about it but there were hints. He's unsure if Erik wants to know or needs to know, or even what his intentions are with that information.

"Indeed."

Erik presses further, much to Charles's inner exasperation.

"And?"

"And? What of it, Erik? What do you want from me?"

"You know you could figure it out, if you wanted." The tone behind it is unmistakably defensive.

"I don't know everything about you, Erik."

"That's not what you said before."

"My friend, I wanted to impress you."

Erik pauses for a split second to process that but Charles knows he heard what he said.

"Yet you clearly saw enough to know the hardships I've been through."

"What is this, a game of who is more oppressed?" Charles shakes. The game of chess forgotten, he stands up to walk towards the fireplace. 

"Oppression? A joke, Charles - you know nothing of need and desperation."

Charles bites his lip.

"You're right."

Erik says nothing.

"I've never been... hurt the way that you have. Your suffering is beyond imaginable, a terrible crime that's unforgivable no matter what circumstance."

Charles feels the tension in the air calm, and knows Erik has settled down.

"But I have felt desperation. I have felt fear. Compared to your life, I know I have many things to be grateful for. But you, too, have things you can be grateful for. Such as your mother-"

Erik cuts him off.

"Do not speak of my mother. You don't know her."

"No, I don't." Charles agrees. 

"But I do know that she at least loved you. From what I've seen, she loved you so, _so_ much."

The two of them stand there for a moment. Charles desperately wants to know what Erik is thinking, wants to reassure him, wants to show him without this petty argument.

But he made a promise to Erik.

"Good night, Erik."

Charles hears the footsteps walking away into the hallways of the mansion.

Charles doesn't get much sleep that night.

-

Charles thinks he must have cried out in his sleep because Erik was in the doorway of his room, door slammed open despite it being locked before going to bed.

"Erik?" Charles gasps, sitting up in his bed. "What.... What are you doing?"

"Your room is closest to mine." Erik states, as if it's blindingly obvious and a reasonable explanation.

Charles supposes it is.

"I... heard you." Erik looks around, as if he's unsure how to breach this topic. "I know we haven't been on the best terms lately, but..." 

Erik trails off, and Charles blinks, remembering the chess scene two days ago.

Erik stares at him with those eyes and it almost feels like it burns. Charles looks down and away, wanting to be anywhere but here.

"You're not alone. Erik, you're not alone."

Charles glances up.

"I'm sorry?"

"That's what you told me. When we first met."

Charles blinks. That's right, the submarine. Charles remembers it clearly, jumping into the water wrestling with a determined Erik.

"What of it?"

"Well," Erik shrugs. "You're not alone either."

Charles gapes.

"I know we've had our differences, and certainly I'm not sure if either of us will or can change the other's mind. You have the power, but you're too much of a goody-two-shoes to do that."

Erik shifts, isn't sure what to do with Charles's shock. "I..."

Charles looks into Erik's eyes.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm here. I'm by your side."

Erik walks out, leaving Charles in his room.

Charles starts to realize that Erik is always the one leaving Charles behind. An irony, given what he had just said to him.

_(It's okay, he's used to being left behind, anyway.)_

-

"Charles, I'm worried about you."

"Straight to the point, huh?" 

Raven sighs. "You know what I mean. Everyone's a little confused."

"And you?"

"I'm just worried."

"Did something happen?"

"You know what happened."

"But I mean... did something _else_ happen?"

The pause is way too long.

"No."

Charles knows Raven doesn't believe him.

-

"Here again, Charles?"

Charles turns his head to look behind him.

"Erik."

"Charles..."

It's another beautiful sunset, and Erik's moving to sit next to him on the bench, just like how they were a couple days ago.

Charles feels worn out today. He's spent a lot of time today getting everyone to reach the limit of their powers. It's easy to use it, but not easy to control it and still be able to reach the full potential of said powers. He's dealt with the bundle of nerves swimming through everyone's minds. It's clear that some are still wary of their own powers, and it feels like Charles is the only one that pushes them, that believes in them unconditionally.

He's been having nightmares too, but luckily no one's noticed except for Erik that one time he burst into his room. 

There's secrets behind these walls, and Erik knows it. He just doesn't know what. Charles hasn't told anyone what's happened. Raven knows some because she witnessed some of it, but not the worst of it. He's never felt comfortable sharing what happened behind locked doors, but maybe, now he can face it.

"Come, I want to show you something."

Charles gets up, extending his hand to Erik.

He can sense a bit of hesitation, but Erik reaches up to take his hand anyway.

-

"Has Raven said nothing?"

"She says it's your past, so you need to be the one to tell it."

Charles opens the door to Erik's room, walking in like it's his own room. Erik doesn't say anything about it, and Charles can feel his presence trailing behind him. Charles sits on the edge of the bed and turns towards the other.

"My friend, I know you think I lived a life of luxury."

Erik presses his lips together. Charles looks over and isn't sure if what's on Erik's face is guilt or careful contemplation.

"I'm starting to think I've assumed too much."

Charles lets out a single, pitiful laugh.

"I mean, I technically did. I know most families don't have such a large house, or have servants, or have enough money not to worry about what's going to be the plan for food for the day."

Charles gestures towards the bed that he's sitting on.

"I lost my virginity in this bed."

Erik raises his eyebrow, evidently unsure of the significance to the conversation.

Charles shakes his head.

"The mattress has been changed, as well as the sheets. But it's still the same bed-frame, still the same place."

"Who did you lose it to?" Erik mutters.

Charles closes his eyes tightly.

After a long period of silence, he decides that he should say it, since he's gone this far already. Erik doesn't need to know, but Charles wants him to know. 

"Kurt Marko. My step-father."

Charles opens his eyes.

Erik has a look on his face that Charles can't quite put his finger on. And Charles knows that he's never seen it directed towards him, but seeing it now makes him realize.

Charles sighs.

"He's dead already."

"Dead?"

"It's... hard to talk about."

Erik steps towards him, sitting down and squeezing Charles's hand.

"Then show me."

Charles's eyes widen. Erik wants him to connect their minds and show him something?

Shakily, Charles presses two fingers against his head, then another two fingers on the other hand against Erik's, and focuses on projecting.

-

"You're dead, Xavier! _Dead_!"

Darkness. Heavy breathing.

Scene change. A dimly lit bedroom. Being bent over a lap.

"Please, please, no, please, stop-"

"You're such a brat."

Charles's mother glances over at Charles, rolling her eyes.

"Charles, dear, quite frankly, I don't give two damns."

Bottles surrounding her. She's never waking up again.

The bedroom has one lamp on.

"Get away from me, don't touch me!"

Being bent over the bed, unable to _move_ , unable to _just shake him off_ , can only try to protect her, _Raven_ , stay _away_ from her. Orange fear and yellow helplessness fills the room.

"Fucking -- faggot! I bet you like this-"

"Charles?"

"Raven, I'm fine."

"Father says you're a poof. Disgusting."

Being shoved down the stairs.

Feeling exposed. Unsafe. _Cold_. Looking up at a creepily-lit face. Sneers, disgusted.

"Please leave, don't do this, please-"

"No one here loves you, you know that, kid?"

A sharp knife. The very red twinge of anger and purple dots of vengeance. Shining blade by the light of the moon, above a sleeping man.

"Charles, come on, let's leave-"

Standing over a grave. Raven and Charles return to an empty house. Suitcases packed. Leaving.

"I love you."

-

Charles pulls away, opening his eyes. He's never so vividly remembered it before. What he remembers before was contained only in nightmares and fleeting thoughts. He's never talked about it, or wanted to think about it, quite frankly. For a long time, he thought he could run away from his own past in another country. He knows, logically, that belief was probably created as part of an escapism fantasy, but he let himself hope anyway. After leaving the mansion all those years ago, they've never been back. Raven never talked about it either. As far as he knows, he doesn't think they've ever mentioned to anyone the horrors witnessed within the walls of this house.

He supposes that he's been taught before that opening up about something is therapeutic. He's not sure what he's feeling now. He showed the brunt of his past to Erik just now, and it's doubtful that Charles can only feel relief from what he's just done. He knows Erik wasn't being particularly malicious in his initial assumptions, and maybe he should have prepared him for the contents that lay within. He doesn't know if Erik has gone through something similar and his sharing could trigger something.

Charles thinks this is what the other side of the telepath is like. Feeling open, raw, like everyone knows all your secrets now. He understands, logically, that telepathic powers aren't exactly praised due to that fact. He knows that some people, like Erik and Raven, wanted him to promise them to never pry. It's understandable, and he's never been exactly upset because of it. Being on the other side now... he wonders how many people he's affected after he's entered their minds.

After an almost unbearable silence, Erik opens his eyes.

"Charles..."

"Erik." Charles avoids Erik's piercing eyes. He stands up and faces the wall, having his back towards the other man. 

"Did you... kill him?"

"... No."

"That doesn't sound like a convincing answer."

"It's complicated, my friend." Charles sighs, turning back around. "I didn't kill him directly, but I didn't help the situation. The people that worked for us in the mansion either didn't like what was happening or didn't want to involve themselves or didn't want to know for other reasons. Whether it was one or more of those reasons, no one did anything. One in particular has hot-headed, and had enough. He never had the guts to stand up to him when it was happening though."

There's a bit of a silence as Charles thinks of how to say this.

"One day, I noticed the thoughts brewing more than usual."

Charles shrugs.

"I... decided to give him a little... _persuasion_."

Erik stills.

"Now, my friend, you know the secrets of Xavier Mansion."

Charles sits down on the chair at the edge of the room. He doesn't like thinking about his actions that day. He feels guilty, in a way. Not that anyone was ever convicted, but Charles knows that his guilt is the reason he doesn't abuse his powers. He doesn't like being able to control fate, being able to control someone's life, being able to control someone's death. He knows that Raven and certainly Erik wouldn't mind using the power when used for the greater good, but only their vision of the greater good. Otherwise, they seemed uncomfortable with his telepathic powers. He doesn't like the hypocrisy of that, but he too knows that if he came to the conclusion that he needed to use his power to save someone or to stop someone, then he would do so. That, in a sort of twisted way, also makes him a hypocrite.

He supposes it's human nature - and mutant nature - to be a hypocrite.

"Does Raven know?"

Charles glances up at Erik.

"Yes... and no. She knew my mother and step-father weren't particularly great parents. She's seen some of the physical abuse at the hands of my step-father and step-brother. She knows that my mother was neglectful and distant. But she doesn't know about... the rest."

"You said you wanted to protect Raven."

Charles looks out towards the window.

"Raven came along shortly after my mother's second marriage. I used my powers to convince them that she belonged. She knows that. She blended in with her powers, and I made her a place within the family forcefully." Charles looks back towards Erik. "I made my first friend that day. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but she had nowhere to go and I couldn't bear to make her leave. Later, I used my powers to make them forget, make them ignore her, make them come to me instead."

Erik steps towards Charles, who smiles softly with tired eyes.

"So, we're both broken men."

Charles gives Erik a pitiful smile.

"No, not broken."

"No?"

"We're healing. In fact, if nothing, we are like a jigsaw puzzle."

"A jigsaw puzzle, of all things?"

"Is it not true? We are a picture, unmarred and perfect. Then we are broken into pieces, basically shattered into fragments. But as life goes on, as it does, with the inevitable flow of time, then we shall find pieces that fit together. In a way, we are all healing."

-

"Charles, I've something to say."

"Then go for it, my friend. Why announce it ahead of time?"

"It... is something I find difficult to even think about, let alone speak out loud."

"What is it?"

"We're both... healing men, like you said."

"Yes. I did say that."

"I'm terrible with promises but I'm determined to keep this one."

Charles's eyes widen slightly.

"Healing has taken a long time. But... I've made progress with you. Let me... return the favor. Let me help you put the pieces back together."

"You mean..."

"I mean to stay, Xavier. If you'll have me."

Charles's grin manages to grow wider, if that's even possible.

"Always."

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading; hope you enjoyed it :) i'm vinndetta on tumblr. kudos and comments mean the absolute WORLD to me, especially the latter (they fuel my writing lol). have a great day!


End file.
